Today I am proud of you. I am proud of you every single day but today is one of those days when I feel like maybe, just maybe, I am doing okay by you.
Our evening didn't end as planned. I got frustrated and yelled and you got upset and cried and instead of being the bigger, more mature adult, I just kept picking. And I pray that these nights are not the ones that go in your core memories. I hope the next part- the part where you were in the bathtub and I was helping you wash your hair and you were unloading the injustices of the day on me and I sat there and took them off your soapy shoulders...I hope those are parts you keep close.
There is a friend at school who you have trouble with. A love hate relationship. Love when it's just the two of you, and a power struggle when it comes to the two of you and the rest of your friends. You are both strong creative, and when you're on the same page, anything is possible- but when you both hold different opinions, you have a tough time finding common ground. You have already expressed that you have trouble with how this friend acts towards you and her other friends at times. So I wasn't completely shocked (or completely listening, I admit) when you started to bring up that you had a "bad day" because "friend" dot dot dot.
I was only half listening when you said, "remember last year when Jack did that not nice thing on the bus?" (Oh crap. Quickly trying to retrieve this memory...um, no. Was it THAT bad?! should I remember!?) While I was shuffling through last year's vault of conversations you continued to tell me, "He was holding his face like this and saying he was chinese to be funny. Well, today, they were all pretending to be blind. And it's not nice. I mean, if I was blind, I wouldn't want people doing that...so I said, "let's play something else"...and no one wanted to. And then *friend* took everyone. She took them all and I had no one to play with!" Pooks started sobbing. I said, "Well, sometimes it's okay to play by yourself. You were just standing up for what is right. You did the right thing"
And then you said this, and my heart stopped for just a minute.
"Yeah, I know, Mommy but sometimes standing up for the right thing is really lonely!"
And just like that, you were so wise beyond your years. There were so many things I wanted to say. You are right Pooks. You are so right. Sometimes, doing the right thing and standing up for what you believe in feels incredibly lonely. But sometimes being alone is better than being with a million people who don't do the right thing and aren't strong enough to stand up for what they know is right. And sometimes even though your head knows you're right, it still hurts your heart to stand alone. I wanted to tell you that I hoped you never let that sway you. But I know better. You are my advocate, my strong, opinionated, ready to fight the good fight girl. And I pray that nothing jades you into thinking that is not the right way to be. There are so many things left to tell you. But sweet, soapy, 9 year old you in the bathtub wasn't looking for a deep conversation. You were just looking for your mama to understand. And I do. So I said, "I know. But you did good." and kept washing your hair.
At the end of the day, when you're exhausted from school and play and I am exhausted from work and life, our exhaustion explodes and we both end up in tears. Today was one of those days. But those teary nights, the ones that run the entire range of emotions...those are the ones I hold close. They remind me that we do real life...we feel, we love, we yell, we hug, we think, we laugh, we sigh...out loud. And that it's okay that we do, because we do it together and at the end of the day, that's how we grow stronger in love.
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